Dear Girlfriend 911: HELP! Long Lost Love, Lost Again!

Dear Girlfriend 911,

Please help me!  I will always love Tom.  He was my first boyfriend so many years ago.  We reconnected after 36 years having both been through two marriages. And all the love was still there, at least on my side. I thought we'd finally have a second chance to make it work. I truly believe that he was meant for me,  and I am the right woman for him.  He was my first and I was so hoping he would be my last.  

I read your book and followed your Girlfriend 911 program. I sent him a Goodbye Letter stating very clearly what I wanted and needed moving forward. He responded with following, "I was so very wrong to make you feel that I only wanted casual sex from you. I know I did that. Sometimes, I can appear to be so superficial, which I promise you, I'm not. If anything, I think that I feel too much, too deeply. That's why I think that I might try so hard not to be hurt, and not to hurt, even though I do just the opposite. Please meet with me sometime soon so I can talk with you. I promise to be the gentleman that I should have been all along. So sorry to have disrespected you this way."  I didn't want to meet with him as I felt there was nothing left to say, but we did text and he told me that even though he loves me and he can't/won't forget about me, he's not ready for a monogamous relationship. That was over two months ago, and there has been no communication since then. Do you think I will ever hear from him again?  I'm not sure if he's just afraid of being hurt, or afraid of hurting me any further. Do you think you can help me. Please let me know. Thank you.   

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for reaching out to me. 

Good for you for doing my Girlfriend 911 program, sending Tom a Goodbye Letter, and not allowing him back into your life unless or until he is ready to be in it exclusively. If he did not want to be in a committed and monogamous relationship with you, and that is what you wanted, then he had to go. So you've definitely done the right thing!  Understand that if you accept anything less than that, you're not being true to your self and things will never ever work out the way you want them to. I know it's so 

difficult letting go of someone you're madly, deeply in love with, but if they are not on the same page as you, that is your only choice. 

Remember that two months in "guy time" is nothing. It takes men ages and ages to figure out their stuff and what they truly want for themselves, and also how they truly feel about someone else. At first they compartmentalize it. They just stick it in the back of their minds and don't think about it. Only later do they actually take the time to deal with the situation, and that can be at the 3-month mark, or the 6-month mark, or longer. You will never really know how Tom truly feels about you, until he's figured it out first. If he misses you so much that he can't take it anymore, he will reach out.  But it takes time – sometimes lots of time. If you don't hear from him after about the 6-month mark, I would say it's time for you to move on and accept that he was never going to give you what you wanted, and more importantly, what you deserve. 

It is possible that he is afraid of being hurt, but he will have to work through that fear on his own. You can't force him into an exclusive relationship with you if he's not ready. The hope is that the longer you guys are apart, the more he will realize how much you mean to him, and eventually he will reach out to you, and want the same things you do.  The good news is, he said he loves you, and he won't and can't forget you. So obviously you guys have a strong connection and some deep feelings there. Now it's just a matter of will he ever be ready for a committed relationship, and if so, when? I wish I could look into my crystal ball and answer that, but unfortunately I can't :(

Hang in there, Jessica and try not to despair.

Girlfriend 911