Dear Girlfriend 911: Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?

Dear Girlfriend 911,

Loved your book,  great advice!

I have been in a relationship with a much younger man for about 2 years. I made many of the mistakes you outlined in your book, and the relationship was rocky, but he says he is ready to commit to me on my terms. The problem is, after finding out about what he did while we were together, I don't know if I can trust him. I am still very hurt by his actions and I am not sure I can move forward with him now. I know he loves me, but I am having a very difficult time getting past the lies and deception.

It seems that you advocate forgiving all transgressions made by the man as long as he comes around and is ready to commit on the women's terms. Is that true? Traditional wisdom says once a cheater, always a cheater. Do you not believe that? I would much appreciate your opinion and advice because I am really struggling with this.

Thank you,
Joanne

Dear Joanne,

Thanks for reaching out to me and for your kinds words.

I definitely do not advocate forgiving all transgressions made by a man as long as he comes around and is ready to commit on the woman's terms. I'm not sure where in the book you thought that, or what kind of transgressions you are talking about. What I do believe is the following; the only reason the man is behaving badly in the first place is because the woman has no standard for herself, no boundary for him, and is allowing the bad behavior to continue. So, if you've read my book and are now sticking to a high standard for yourself, there shouldn't be any bad behaviors from your man, because the minute he steps out of line, it's up to you to put a stop to it and explain to him why that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

If you are specifically talking about cheating, I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater.  Instead, I think it really needs to be decided on a case-by-case basis.  Certainly, if there are enough red flags in the relationship; cheating, lying and deception are NOT good signs. I know women are very intuitive, so my best advice to you is to just listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't.  Trust and communication are two of the most important factors in having a healthy relationship. So if you can't trust him, then you absolutely shouldn't be in this relationship. However, if you think that your behavior and your lack of standards in the relationship contributed to the way he had been behaving, then change your behavior and see if he changes his. And if he doesn't, then that is your clear sign this man must go.

I hope this helps you.

Girlfriend 911