Dear GF911: Advice Please?

Dear Girlfriend 911,

I have thoroughly read your book and think it is a great read. Thank you so much for writing this book and providing insight on dating, relationships and men.

After a year and a half friendship with a man, he decided he wanted to "step up his game" (his words). He let me know that he knows he wants to be with me when he gets ready and I am the only person he has feelings for like that. We have talked about the number of kids we want to have, marriage, etc, however, is giving me mixed signals.

Throughout our friendship, we have always had an interest in one another and didn't act on it until he let me know how he really felt and two months after that we became intimate. He continues to be distant, doesn't always respond to calls and text messages, so I have decided to do the same. I respond to every other text message and I see the energy shifting, but it is a slow process. I did ask him if we were ready to move things forward and he was honest in telling me he has fear of failure and destroying our friendship. He told me he wants to remain friends and we can do that with or without continuing to be intimate. I let him know I am scared too. I am not sure what happened that made him make this shift, to go from talking about spending the rest of our lives together to now wanting to stop at friendship, because of fear of failure.

There are positives, he values what we do have and he was honest with me, but of course I want more and I want it all. Recently, we had some miscommunication, where he thought I was spending time with another man, that was not the case, but text messaging can get confusing. From that, I found out he is jealous if I spend time with someone else and he asked me what I do when he isn't around (he travels a lot) and I asked him the same question. Both of us said, we are by ourselves and I asked why he asked me that question and he said, you don't know unless you ask.

I REALLY want things to work out with this man. We share similar interests, he has qualities I do admire, however his lack of communication and inconsistency is frustrating me. Of course, I am scared to send the Goodbye Letter. I walked away from him in November, he told me he would have to swallow hard and let me go. It drove me crazy, so I caved after 2 weeks, we talked and have gone back to our same routine because for me it was better for him to be around than not at all.

Could you please provide me some thoughts on what I have stated about my relationship.

Thank you so much. I want 2013 to be a great year for me and I want that to include a committed relationship.

Sincerely,
Christie

Dear Christie,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write and for your very kind words. 

It sounds to me that although this man clearly has some serious feelings for you something is stopping him from wanting to take it to the next level and have that long-term committed relationship with you.  Maybe it's his fear of failure, but I'm not sure if I buy that entirely. We all fear failure, but most of us manage to take the leap of faith. Anyway, the bottom line is, it doesn't matter what the reason is that is stopping him from being in your life 100%, what matters is what you do. Good for you for understanding that it is NOT okay to be in a "friends with benefit situation," and being just his platonic friend is not an option for you because that is NOT being true to yourself. Your truth Christie is that you're in love with this man, and you want a committed relationship with him. So your only option for your situation is to send him a Goodbye Letter, and to cut him out of your life. He can't come back in until he's ready, and if he's never ready as hard as that is to accept, that is your answer. Trust me knowing that will save you years and years of pain and heartache. 

I know you said you tried it before and then caved, but the problem is, if you keep caving he's never going to take what you're saying seriously. He's always going to think he can manipulate you into getting what he wants, and more importantly what is comfortable for him. Either "friends with benefits," or platonic friends, which you and I both know will eventually turn into "friends with benefits" because when there's love and chemistry and attraction there, it's just impossible to stay platonic friends. Remember what the definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Have the courage to send him the Goodbye Letter otherwise it's going to be Groundhog Day for you!

Girlfriend 911